I didn’t get it, and I haven’t got it for most of the time. I’m only just getting it – the faux-masculine shibboleths that I’m expected to observe, in order to be ‘one of the guys’.
Especially the degradation of women as rite of passage.
Don’t get me wrong…
I’m nobody’s knight in shining armour (I think this will be the last time I repeat this for some time), and I don’t believe in chivalry towards women – chivalry, as opposed to decency, assumes that women are frail objects to be protected like delicate porcelain in a world they’re not equipped to deal with. Women are no such thing.
I’ve got an interest in this. If pseudo, and actual misogyny, are used as defining criteria for what it is to be masculine, then I consider that an imposture. I don’t want that group identity lumbered on me, and moreover, I’m willing, if imposed upon, to fight for my stake in masculine culture to the exclusion of other men.
Gentlemen, if you’re going to make an asshole out of yourself in the first instance, I’m not going to take much notice when you make squeals of indignation, when you get a little comeuppance. That is unless, I find it justifiable, useful, and entertaining, to laugh at you.
Seriously though, some men really shit me. The things that some of you expect me to take on board as normal, or healthy, or unappealing-but-otherwise-not-rebarbative.
And so Bruce begins.
I’ve wondered about this. I’ve seen the way seemingly “nice” guys act when they’re around each other. They don’t act like that when it’s one on one with me, but get them in a group and all bets seem to be off. When questioned later about it, they deny feeling that way, and yet, in those instances when I’ve been present, I’ve never heard any of them call the others out for sexist language and outright misogyny. And I’ve wondered, doesn’t it bother them? If they say they’re not like that, how can they let that stuff slide?
And I wonder about the guys who don’t feel this way and what going along to get along does to them deep inside.
Bruce gives me a bit of a window. Better, he tells me what he’s going to do about it.
As good as it is that he eventually “saw the light”, it’s a bit sad it took him as long as it did.
I grew up with few friends (some say none) precisely for that reason. And it spanned both continents (I came to the US when I was 13).
He touches on the “one of the guys” issue, but it goes deeper than that, and at a much younger age, before sex is an issue. It is, in my opinion, the extension of the clique’ idea. The in-crowd, the cool group, and it spans both sexes. And I’ve disliked it since I can remember.
Now, one could argue my perspective is born out of having a speech impediment, but that is a myopic view. I don’t know where I learned it, but I suspect it came from the books I read as an early age, and maybe, yes, it was reinforced by having to face exclusion both because we moved to an area where I was a foreigner (first from Yugoslavia to Italy as refugees, and then from Italy to the US as immigrants), and because of my speech issues.
As long as I remember people formed into groups, and as long as I remember, I have never liked that. Some say I am smart, but I shunned the “smart” clubs for the same reasons . . . they too were exclusionary, judgmental, etc.
The deal with men and women goes beyond any of that, and while I don’t understand it, I’ve seen it all my life. At my first “real” job, at GM, I was appalled at the attitude of some of the men; they viewed being a husband as not much more than a job, or a business arrangement, and wives as adversaries. Often they “ruled” their household, and the wives knew nothing of either finances or the amount of money their husbands made.
As I said, I don’t understand where that comes from. I hesitate to say it, but it might be religion (women don’t fare well in most religions). Or perhaps it’s just male nature, in which case it will never go away.
He touches on racism, and that to me also seems an extension of the same attitude. I’ve not voiced it, but I will . . .
. . . I think many people find and define their personal worth as an extension of the group they belong to, and from that comes the desire to have one’s group be “better” than others. As a consequence of this, it’s difficult to see others as equals. I think insecurity drives most of that behavior; insecurity in their intellect, abilities, and their worth as individuals. From what I can observe, the majority of people (not just men) have good reason for their insecurity precisely because they let their actions be driven by it.
Ah hell, I’m rambling. Hope it makes sense, but if not . . . you can’t be in my group.